11.26.2005

Bad Blogger! Bad!

I know, I know. I haven't been posting for shit lately. I just wanted to let you all know (note the use of the phrase "you all" as if multiple people were actually reading this) that I have been keeping a list of all the awesome posts I want to put up as soon as I get some decent writing time.

See, it's getting near the end of the semester, which is typically when I realize I have 3 or 4 stacks of assignments from earlier in the semester that I never got around to actually grading. This is one of the reasons why my student evaluations are generally so bittersweet, i.e. "This dude is fucking awesome and now I love English but where the fuck are my papers??!!"

So instead of making a "real" post, as I would like to do right now, I'm going to trot downstairs to my "grading chair" and guide at least a few more students on the road toward college literacy.

Dudes, please be patient with me. In about two weeks, I will be posting like a fucking fiend, because then I will be trying to avoid writing dissertation chapters, and I find that a highly motivational way of keeping Chazzbot up to date for you.

Yes, you. Because I love you.

Here's what you can look forward to in the weeks to come:
Big maudlin post about my mother
Teaching "Images of Terrorism in Cinema" for three weeks
Update on the time traveller
How fucking cool/lame was King Kong? (depending on how much I like it)
Updated links to blogs I like and/or compulsively read
Do's & dont's for my funeral
More music recommendations
Books I've read (another thing I don't do much of near the end of the semester)
Excerpts from my student evaluations
& the generally half-assed observations and opinions you've come to expect from Chazzbot.

Please stay tuned.

11.23.2005


There is no emoticon for what I am feeling! Posted by Picasa

Burger King: Master of Economics

So for the last few weeks I've been forcing Dina to go with me to Burger King at least once a week so I can buy all those new Star Wars toys they've been hawking. During the first SW promotion last summer, the deal was if you were a Geek and you had to have your precious toys but needed the extra fat and sodium content that a Kid's Meal just can't provide, you could pick up two toys with the purchase of a Value Meal. And if you were savvy enough to bring along your non-toy-collecting partner, you could get all the toys released in one week with one simple visit. Burger King happy, Toy Geek happy, partner fed. No problem, right?

This was the routine at the local BK for the last two weeks. Unfortunately, BK seemed to be running out of toys rather quickly. The new toys would come in on Saturday (such is my obsession that I actually asked one of the teenage clerks for this information), but by Tuesday (the day I chose for the weekly visit), most of the toys would be gone. Last week, the local BK had to resort to putting outdated Cat in the Hat toys (from the excremental movie, not the eternally magnificent book) into the Kid's Meals, presumably because Toy Geeks like me were buying up all the available stock.

But this shouldn't be a problem for BK. Because Toy Geeks are paying for these toys seperately, above and beyond the cost of all that delicious fat and sodium in the Value Meal, BK is making lots of additional profit from the sale of toys that can, by no stretch of the imagination, cost more than 25 cents to manufacture (I was being charged a buck per toy).

Last night, however, my grandiose plans for total Star Wars toy acquisition came to a dead halt.

The first problem we encountered was the clerk on duty. It was her first day and she had no idea how to ring up the toys seperately from the Kid's Meal purchase. While not an encouraging testimony to the hiring or training practices of BK, this seemed like only a minor setback at the time. We'll just find a more experienced clerk who has dealt with Toy Geeks before and can give me access to those plastic pals that I so need. A clerk who had served us before (at last--someone who understands the daily struggle of the Toy Geek!) gave us a welcoming smile and came over to help the first clerk stare at the cash register and its shiny buttons.

But then came a declaration of such incomprehensibly illogical proportions that I'm still trying to piece it together in my head: "I'm sorry, we can't sell those toys seperately anymore. We were running out of them too fast."

After politely explaining (Really. I was polite. I didn't even say any of the curt phrases that were whirling in my head like "What the fuck??!!" or "Where's your manager, dipshit?" or "Goddammit, I need these toys RIGHT NOW!!". I said all those on the way home.) that I had purchased both toys and Value Meals for the last two weeks (Actually, the first week I arrived too late and all the toys had been cleared out by my more quick-witted Toy Geek colleagues.) and that it was perfectly fine for them to sell me the toys seperately. But no.

As my protestations increased in volume, a red-shirted pimply fellow came out from behind the grill and confirmed the initial clerk's ruling: "Yeah, we kept running out of the toys so we can only sell them with the Kid's Meals now."

Da fuck? Have you ever heard of supply and demand? If you're running out of toys, which your organization has promoted ceaselessly on television and in print and online, then why don't you make more toys? And if you're selling out of the toys, primarily because helpless Toy Geeks are coming into your franchise to buy them at highly inflated prices, isn't that good for your business? Nobody's offering to buy up all those fucking Cat in the Hat toys you couldn't unload, even on the kids that usually buy the Kid's Meals! Running out of the Star Wars toys is a GOOD thing, you dolts!

What can be done in the face of such self-defeating business practices? I cancelled my Value Meal order in an ostentatious huff and proceeded to bang my head on the display case containing all the precious Star Wars toys I will never hold, vowing to place Burger King near the top of my list of Those Who Shall Fall Bloody in the Glorious Revolution.

11.17.2005

March 27, 1964

NPR has a detailed story on and some cool photos of the tsunami that struck me hometown, Crescent City, a little more than 30 years ago. Still the worst tsunami on record in the continental U.S. The C-Town got hit by four distinct waves, so fuck you New Orleans!

During this momentous event, according to family legend, my father was asleep in a trailer in Klamath Glen. Down the road a bit, at the mouth of the river, the little town of Klamath was completely destroyed.

You can still see signs of the devastation today, particularly if you take a Jet Boat tour of the river. There are several bridge foundations still hanging over the river, and the high water marks can still be seen on the foothills.

History will probably show that I was the biggest disaster to come out of Crescent City, but the tsunami is a close runner-up.

11.13.2005

Things I Don't Understand Today

I just came across these two articles, both of which are pretty disturbing, but for very different reasons.

I've read a lot of the 9/11 conspiracy theories, mostly while doing dissertation research. Now a physics professor from, of all places, BYU has entered the fray. The most surprising things about this article are 1) it was published in the LDS-owned Deseret News, a highly conservative newspaper, 2) the article has not been taken off the paper's website since its Thursday publication, and 3) the professor in question makes some pretty credible evaluations of the WTC collapse without sounding like a complete kook. Try to read this article before it disappears like so much Twin Tower dust.

And on a completely different note. . .

Why is Fox run by idiots? Extending The X-Files past its shelf life, cancelling one of the best-written SF shows of the last 10 years, and filling up airtime with conspiracy theories on the moon landings. Now it looks like Arrested Development is about to be added to the studio's catalogue of premature cancellations. Why, Mr. Murdoch? Why?

Another thing I don't understand is why my handsome photo has been dropped to the bottom of the blogpage. I suppose it provides me with a certain anonymity for casual readers, and the sense of buried treasure for people who read all the way to the bottom of the page ("What? Personal details on the author? Yes!"), but I'm guessing it's some kind of fuck-up on the part of my kind host, Blogger. Does anyone out there know how to fix this?

Chazzbot would also like to extend a warm welcome to Bryon, who found my earlier post on Eureka, California. Bryon writes the Mondok Blog and is a "behind-the-scenes pastor," so he can probably relate to the whole conspiracy theory lifestyle.

11.12.2005

Music Picks of the Week

I've started reviewing CDs again for the radio station. Unlike WBGU-FM, however, 105.1 "The DiSC" doesn't get a whole lot of new music from record companies eager for college airplay. (This may have something to do with the fact that the station's signal barely reaches across campus, and, when school is not in session, the station broadcasts Latino news and information.) Most of the station's "new" CDs, it seems, come from the used racks of the local CD shop, which allows the station to pick out 5 titles a week from the discount bin. So much for cutting edge college radio.

Anyway, so when I say I'm "reviewing" CDs, what I'm primarily doing is listening to used CDs for any trace of potty-mouth language. Apparently the station is monitored by uptight college administrators who have deemed words like "damn" and "hell" as being too sensitive for community standards. Since the community of St. George is largely composed of either dying retirees or transplanted Californians who have driven the locals out of the housing market, you can imagine that the college's administrators would like to avoid any trace of controversy, in the hopes of garnering large amounts of said retirees' and Californians' cash donations.

I routinely ignore the administrators' standards of airplay (though I do try to be mindful of FCC guidelines), but this poor little station is in dire need of some rock & roll salvation, and, in this scenario, I am Jesus Christ. Can I get a hallelujah?

Most of my picks this time come from the deep recesses of the station's sadly neglected bin of "new arrivals," so please withhold your comments until we get done.

Joan Osborne: "Love Is Alive"
I don't know where the fuck she's been, either, but this number, from the soundtrack of a forgotten film called One Night at McCool's, might make you think that her chart-and-lung-busting debut album had been released only weeks ago, so freshly vital is her voice here. The song was originally a hit for Gary Wright back in the 70s, but it's nicely updated here with louder guitar chords and hip-hop-like bass. But it's Osborne's pipes that carry this number out of the remainder bin and into my heart.

The Coup: "Laugh, Love, Fuck"
My radio station has no rap or hip-hop library, not that this number has a chance in hell of getting airplay anyway. This is a relatively recent single from a group that gained some infamy in 2001 for an album cover that depicted the Twin Towers being blown up by one of the band members. (Eerily, this album was released only days before September 11.) But this track carries no sign of past terrors. In fact, the philosophy espoused here--"I want to laugh, love, fuck, and drink liquor/And help the damn revolution come quicker"--seems one that few religious extremists, never mind Muslim terrorists, would be willing to adopt. Which just makes this rap all the more joyful and hilarious.

The Click Five: "Pop Princess"
The radio station does have an ungodly amount of teenybopper music, and some of the DJs even play it regularly, yet another indication that I'm not in Ohio anymore. These boys have gained some success in places where music is rarely heard, including TRL, which just goes to show that investing in boy bands is always a safe bet. But I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that this ode to a teen superstar is, in fact, an ironic deconstruction of the very mechanisms that brought them to power in the world of MTV and slumber parties everywhere. Well played, clerks.

Spoon: "Carryout Kids"
This one I actually bought myself. It's part of an EP of bonus tracks that comes with this band's Gimme Fiction CD. It also serves to represent the slacker lifestyle of DJs everywhere, particularly in southern Utah. But the best part of this song is the piano that bangs out the rhythm like that demented trolley from Mister Roger's Neighborhood. In fact, one might imagine the singer as one of King Friday's douchebag sons, ordering pizza on the old man's credit card while waiting for the inheritance to kick in. This is the kind of music that will cause college administrators to wonder why test scores continue to nosedive and why alumni donations have dried up. Suckas!

We close with a joke from my late father-in-law:

Q: What is the difference between a rhinoceros and Lawrence Welk?
A: The rhino has horns in front of its asshole.

The Wit & Wisdom of Jim Steinman

So I've been slowly unboxing several years' worth of music magazines and trying to get them all sorted, a project of such magnitude that I'm increasingly worried that it will take the rest of my life. But when and if I ever finish, I should have a fairly comprehensive library of British and U.S. music mags going back to the mid-80's.

OK, it's nowhere near comprehensive, but you'd never guess that from looking at all the piles of Rolling Stone in my basement. And my students wonder why it takes me so long to grade their papers. Hey, you degree-seeking lumps--I'm busy!

Anyway, I was pleased to come across this gem of a sidebar in the October 1993 issue of Q. And if you're not familiar with Steinman, the songwriting genius who brought us, among other treasures, "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth," then you are beyond saving.

Here's what The Stein-Man had to say on some of the artists he's produced over the years:

on Barry Manilow:
"He's very driven."

on Bonnie ("Total Eclipse of the Heart") Tyler:
"A Welsh dairy maid with a lusty body."

on Barbra Streisand:
"She has beautiful breasts."

on Air Supply:
"The two most boring people I've ever met, but I found that mesmerising."

on Def Leppard:
"We were in Dublin and I was saying how great it was to be in the city of Yeats and Joyce--[lead singer] Joe Elliott said they hadn't met any local musicians yet."

on his unique brand of music:
"Bombastic? I take that as a compliment. Rock & roll is the most bombastic form ever."

Some days it don't come easy. Some days it don't come at all.

11.08.2005

A History of the Iraq War (Told Entirely in Lies)

All text is verbatim from senior Bush Administration officials and advisers. In places, tenses have been changed for clarity. Originally from Harper's Magazine, October 2003. By Sam Smith.

Once again, we were defending both ourselves and the safety and survival of civilization itself. September 11 signaled the arrival of an entirely different era. We faced perils we had never thought about, perils we had never seen before. For decades, terrorists had waged war against this country. Now, under the leadership of President Bush, America would wage war against them. It was a struggle between good and it was a struggle between evil.

It was absolutely clear that the number-one threat facing America was from Saddam Hussein. We know that Iraq and Al Qaeda had high-level contacts that went back a decade. We learned that Iraq had trained Al Qaeda members in bomb making and deadly gases. The regime had long-standing and continuing ties to terrorist organizations. Iraq and Al Qaeda had discussed safe-haven opportunities in Iraq. Iraqi officials denied accusations of ties with Al Qaeda. These denials simply were not credible. You couldn't distinguish between Al Qaeda and Saddam when you talked about the war on terror.

The fundamental question was, did Saddam Hussein have a weapons program? And the answer was, absolutely. His regime had large, unaccounted-for stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons--including VX, sarin, cyclosarin, and mustard gas, anthrax, botulism, and possibly smallpox. Our conservative estimate was that Iraq then had a stockpile of between 100 and 500 tons of chemical-weapons agent. That was enough agent to fill 16,000 battlefield rockets. We had sources that told us that Saddam Hussein recently authorized Iraqi field commanders to use chemical weapons--the very weapons the dictator told the world he did not have. And according to the British government, the Iraqi regime could launch a biological or chemical attack in as little as forty-five minutes after the orders were given. There could be no doubt that Saddam Hussein had biological weapons and the capability to rapidly produce more, many more.


Iraq possessed ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles--far enough to strike Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and other nations. We also discovered through intelligence that Iraq had a growing fleet of manned and unmanned aerial vehicles that could be used to disperse chemical or biological weapons across broad areas. We were concerned that Iraq was exploring ways of using UAVs for missions targeting the United States.

* * * * *

Saddam Hussein was determined to get his hands on a nuclear bomb. We knew he'd been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believed he had, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons. The British government learned that Saddam Hussein had recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources told us that he had attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear-weapons production. When the inspectors first went into Iraq and were denied-finally denied access, a report came out of the [International Atomic Energy Agency] that they were six months away from developing a weapon. I didn't know what more evidence we needed.

Facing clear evidence of peril, we could not wait for the final proof that could come in the form of a mushroom cloud. The Iraqi dictator could not be permitted to threaten America and the world with horrible poisons and diseases and gases and atomic weapons. Inspections would not work. We gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in. The burden was on those people who thought he didn't have weapons of mass destruction to tell the world where they were.

We waged a war to save civilization itself. We did not seek it, but we fought it, and we prevailed. We fought them and imposed our will on them and we captured or, if necessary, killed them until we had imposed law and order. The Iraqi people were well on their way to freedom. The scenes of free Iraqis celebrating in the streets, riding American tanks, tearing down the statues of Saddam Hussein in the center of Baghdad were breathtaking. Watching them, one could not help but think of the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of the Iron Curtain.

It was entirely possible that in Iraq you had the most pro-American population that could be found anywhere in the Arab world. If you were looking for a historical analogy, it was probably closer to post-liberation France. We had the overwhelming support of the Iraqi people. Once we won, we got great support from everywhere.

The people of Iraq knew that every effort was made to spare innocent life, and to help Iraq recover from three decades of totalitarian rule. And plans were in place to provide Iraqis with massive amounts of food, as well as medicine and other essential supplies. The U.S. devoted unprecedented attention to humanitarian relief and the prevention of excessive damage to infrastructure and to unnecessary casualties.

The United States approached its postwar work with a two-part resolve: a commitment to stay and a commitment to leave. The United States had no intention of determining the precise form of Iraq's new government. That choice belonged to the Iraqi people. We have never been a colonial power. We do not leave behind occupying armies. We leave behind constitutions and parliaments. We don't take our force and go around the world and try to take other people's real estate or other people's resources, their oil. We never have and we never will.

The United States was not interested in the oil in that region. We were intent on ensuring that Iraq's oil resources remained under national Iraqi control, with the proceeds made available to support Iraqis in all parts of the country. The oil fields belonged to the people of Iraq, the government of Iraq, all of Iraq. We estimated that the potential income to the Iraqi people as a result of their oil could be somewhere in the $20 [billion] to $30 billion a year [range], and obviously, that would be money that would be used for their well-being. In other words, all of Iraq's oil belonged to all the people of Iraq.

* * * * *

We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. And we found more weapons as time went on. I never believed that we'd just tumble over weapons of mass destruction in that country. But for those who said we hadn't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they were wrong, we found them. We knew where they were.

We changed the regime of Iraq for the good of the Iraqi people. We didn't want to occupy Iraq. War is a terrible thing. We've tried every other means to achieve objectives without a war because we understood what the price of a war can be and what it is. We sought peace. We strove for peace. Nobody, but nobody, was more reluctant to go to war than President Bush.

It is not right to assume that any current problems in Iraq can be attributed to poor planning. The number of U.S. forces in the Persian Gulf region dropped as a result of Operation Iraqi Freedom. This nation acted to a threat from the dictator of Iraq. There is a lot of revisionist history now going on, but one thing is certain--he is no longer a threat to the free world, and the people of Iraq are free. There's no doubt in my mind when it's all said and done, the facts will show the world the truth. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind.

About the Author
Sam Smith is the author of four books, the latest of which is Why Bother?: Getting a Life in a Locked Down Land. He is the editor of The Progressive Review.

And They Have Black People!

I cannot fucking believe that this dipshit is the President of the United States. This is not remotely funny anymore. From the November 7 edition of the New York Times:

[Brazilian president Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva and George W. Bush] met for more than 90 minutes on Sunday morning, accompanied only by their foreign ministers and national security advisers. Celso Amorim, the Brazilian foreign minister, said the agenda ranged from the trade situation to regional security issues, including Venezuela and Mr. Chávez, and Brazil’s campaign to win a permanent seat on the United Nations Security Council.

“There was a very good personal chemistry,” Mr. Amorim said after the meeting at a briefing for reporters. “Both men are pragmatists, focused on results.”

At one point, Mr. da Silva even exhibited a map of his country, which is larger than the continental United States. “Wow! Brazil is big,” Mr. Amorim quoted the American president as responding.

Perhaps not surprisingly, these paragraphs appear near the end of the article. You can read the full story here.

This cartoon pretty much sums up my feelings on the state of our union.

There are 39 months remaining in this president's term. Three fucking years.